Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
