Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
