your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
