I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
