He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
