just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
