TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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