when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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