i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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