btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
