Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
