Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
