just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I forget how to act sober
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