I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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