My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
