Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I need a beard to bite.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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