my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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