I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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