and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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