You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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