Betty ford says i'm here all night
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
