i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
