Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
