you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
