I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
COCAINE IS GR8
Randomize
