i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
