It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
