I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
