...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
