Your mouth is God's brothel.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
