this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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