get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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