You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
