I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
