dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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