I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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