tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
