Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
