OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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