your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
there was a trapeze. enough said
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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