My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
