I just threw up on my dentist
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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