i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
you never un-have a 4some
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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