He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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