So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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