just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
