And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
