Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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