I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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