I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
