And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
