someone get that fucking seahorse.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
