So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
