Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
