if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
